16 Fashion Accessories that Can Kill
Because sometimes it’s all about style points…
Guns are so uncreative. For those that need to do God’s work, there are other, more interesting options out there. Allow me to elaborate on 16 ways to dress to kill:
1. Pocket Watch Gun
This just might be the Grim Reaper’s time piece. You see, everybody has their time to die… and with this gun-watch, it won’t be a minute late.
These days foot fetishists are into stockings and high heels, but back in the day it was all about 3 inch feet. The ‘catch’ with footbinding, though, is it tended to cause gangrene, an infection that might kill the women long before the guys could get their rocks off.
3. The Detachable Collar
The detachable collar (which should be called the “White Python”) has a history of strangling men to death, as they eat or in their sleep. But asphyxiation isn’t the White Python’s only trick; one guy almost had his head chopped off by the “pointed corners” of his collar.
This necklace in and of itself is harmless… until you realize that the medallion is actually a vial. Add a bit of cyanide, and any woman can carry death in her bosom.
5. Lead Make up
Beauty has its price. In the case of lead-based make ups, used widely into the 1920’s, that price was brain damage, unhealthy weight loss and a slow, agonizing death.
6. Skinny Jeans
Hipsters and women please take note: you’re so-called ‘skinny jeans’ have been proven to cause nerve damage. So, unless you’re incredibly sexy, it probably best not to wear them.
7. The Fontage
The Fontage – a type of headdress – is beautiful, elegant and graceful. The only problem is it’s apt to burst into flames, giving debilitating burns if a woman is unlucky enough to walk past an open flame (such as a candle).
8. The Corset
Before the advent of the Atkins diet, fatties everywhere (women AND men) would pulverize their innards, using cloth and lacing like the metal teeth of a car crushing machine. Internal bleeding, broken ribs, pierced skin and asphyxiation were fun gifts the corset liked to bring to the party.
9. Killer heels
Heels are sexy until you have to do anything practical, like avoid an oncoming car. Throw in weak ankles and/or street grates, and you’re in for a fatality-riddled fun time.
10. The Crinoline
The crinoline probably sounded like a good idea until women started getting picked by gusts of wind and thrown from the sides of cliffs, rooftops and ocean piers. Around this time, it was discovered that swimming and/or flying with a steel cage around your legs is damn near impossible.
11. Contact lenses
Want to know the most ironic joke in the world? That those visually-appealing, non-prescription colored contacts can lead to blindness… funny, huh?
12. Poisonous Jewellery
Cadmium laced jewellery is worse than anthrax laced letters. A single suck, bite or swallow and you’ll be singing with the angles before you know it.
The tight belt is the 21st century version of the corset, and rest assured that the ‘minor problem’ of asphyxiation hasn’t been solved yet. If you really want the hour glass look, it’s much safer to just go anorexic.
14. Tarantula Shoe
Tarantula heels are all fun and games, until little pookie gets out of his casing. Did you know tarantula forcefully inject venom into victims with the help of a specialized muscle group?
15. Diamond ring
You ever see the gash a diamond can make, when applied to bare flesh? Diamond rings can be more effective for the ‘hyper violence’ than hunting knives, and much more concealable.
16. Knife Earrings
The last on the list is for the creativity impaired. If you can’t see how knife earrings can be potentially lethal, then you’re in the wrong business.